That creeping doubt feels real. And it’s relentless.
What if I’m not doing enough?
What if I’m overthinking?
Am I just crazy?
It happens in the workplace. In families. In love. We second-guess ourselves and fall into a distorted pattern of thinking. But is that doubt not self-initiated? Or is it something we have learned to feel?
We don’t just wake up one day doubting ourselves. Over time, our interactions with others create interlocking patterns of behavior. Through past reinforcement, we learn to question our own instincts. When we stop trusting ourselves, we look outward. Instead of making decisions internally, we start relying on others to tell us what’s right. And slowly, our self-esteem erodes.
Our self-esteem plummets. We hear that gut feeling loud and clear but we dismiss it. We trip over ourselves trying to sort through the right way through and avoiding uncomfortable emotions.
We deal with chains of behavior, learned associations, and byproducts of emotions.
A woman who grew up being told she was always wrong will likely end up with a partner who gaslights her because self-doubt feels familiar
An employee who grew up with a father who yelled at every little mistake learns to avoid that feeling of shame. As an adult, he plays it safe- seeking approval from his boss, even at the cost of his own boundaries.
A contractor might instinctively set a boundary-refusing one-on-one meeting with a manipulative director. But instead of confidence, he feels guilt, doubt, and pressure to justify herself.
Because of past conditioning, we stay in toxic relationships, workplaces, and harmful cycles. We grow accustomed to punishment, especially when it’s unpredictable. The randomness of it (aka intermittent reinforcement) makes it even harder to break free.
One day, there’s punishment. The next day, love. The cycle continues: Love-bombing, apologies, fleeting moments of kindness. The inconsistency creates confusion: What’s real? What’s manipulation?
If we’ve lost our internal compass, can we find it again? Can we rewire the patterns that have shaped our doubt? Can we rebuild self-trust even after years of conditioning?
If self-doubt is learned, that means we can unlearn it. But first, we have to separate real intuition from fear, bias, and false alarms. That’s where we go next.