The “Let Them” Theory Isn’t Enough
Why a viral mantra won’t fix burnout — and what to do instead
My husband? He anticipates. He pitches in. He’s not perfect, but he’s present. And still, I struggle to ask for help because I was never taught how.
I’m only just learning that asking isn’t a weakness. Those ghosts from my upbringing still play out in our marriage. I’ve been fortunate — my husband has always made an effort to help. He cooks dinner most nights, tidies up the kitchen without complaint. And yet, I still snap at him for not changing the toilet paper roll.
Obviously, this was a projection and not about the toilet paper roll. I was yelled at as a kid for not doing it myself, and I still carry that script. Now, decades later, I’m trying to relearn the skills of communication, house management, and partnership.
This brings me to the Let Them theory, popularized by Mel Robbins but originally authored by Cassie Phillips.
Why “Let Them” Resonates
It’s a start. It’s a way to desensitize ourselves to discomfort when something feels out of our control, or when we’re worried about how others see us.
Example:
I vacuumed instead of just saying, “If someone wants to judge my floors, let them.”
“Let Them” is like exposure therapy — a pause in the overfunctioning cycle. It gives us practice in not fixing, in tolerating the disapproval we were trained to avoid at all costs.
It helps us dip our toes into the waters of “not doing.”
But it’s only the beginning.
The Psychology Beneath It
Human beings are motivated by two categories of reinforcers:
Primary: food, water, sex, sleep. Innate, necessary.
Secondary: praise, money, recognition. Learned.
Women — especially those of us raised to equate goodness with compliance — have been conditioned to chase secondary reinforcers at the expense of primaries. We’ll skip meals for laundry, trade rest for approval, ignore hunger for a cleaner floor.
That’s why the “Let Them” pause matters: it disrupts the old chain. But on its own, it doesn’t teach the body what to do instead.
The Behavior Chain
Here’s what happens when you try a Let Them response:
Antecedent: Internal or external pressure (real or perceived).
Behavior: You pause. You don’t fix it. You “Let Them.”
Immediate consequence: Spike in discomfort, loss of control, no reward.
Function served: Disrupts the old pattern (yay!) but no new reinforcement (ouch).
What’s needed: Replacement behavior + values-aligned reinforcement.
Without those replacements, you’re left stranded. It’s like taking away a baby’s pacifier without offering a blanket or stuffed animal. The Let Them pause is powerful — but it leaves us standing in the jungle with only one arrow on the map.
And when that discomfort builds? We default to what we know: inherited family patterns, compliance loops, the same overfunctioning scripts we swore we’d outgrow.
Why It’s Not Enough
“Let Them” interrupts the cycle, but it can also amplify deprivation — especially of primary reinforcers, such as rest, nourishment, and self-trust. If your nervous system is already bracing for rejection, you cannot “Let Them” into a regulated body.
In psychology, this phenomenon is known as extinction without replacement. We remove the old reinforcer (compliance → relief), but don’t add a new one. That’s cruel. It’s like pressing “pause” without teaching your system where to go next.
The result?
Short-term discomfort.
No immediate relief.
Higher risk of burnout or relapse into old patterns.
What Comes After “Let Them”
The real work is building the next links in the chain:
Replacement self-talk: “I don’t have to earn rest.”
Micro safety cues: a breath, a sip of water, a soft object.
Values-based reinforcement: connection, self-trust, rituals.
Otherwise, “Let Them” becomes a holding pattern, not freedom. If all we have is stop, eventually we press play — and end up right back where we started.
Closing
The pause is powerful, yes. But the next step is mapping new routes, not just standing in the silence.
That’s where the real story begins.
✨ This essay is part of a larger series on motherhood, burnout, and systemic survival. If you’re new here, you can also read Chaos Goblins and Discipline and Gentle Parenting- The Missing Link.
Chaos Goblins
I often find that my body is just on autopilot. I don’t even know why I’m doing what I’m doing.
DISCIPLINE AND GENTLE PARENTING- THE MISSING LINK
“Strict But Fun”: How We Confuse Gentle with Permissive
Oh, I love a good receipt back to the original “Let Them.” I haven’t read the book “Let Them” itself, but I have read “The Courage to Be Disliked” a while back, and it gave me what I think may be the same vibe—each person is their own individual, and how they feel is ultimately their choice. But the book didn’t stop there; it ended with, “once you’ve reached that point of freedom, then turn outward and be of service to your community.”
Your article is right in line with that—and thanks for saving me from adding “Let Them” to my reading list. I was not aware of the clinical terms and the more day to day nuanced replacement behaviors. This was so great! Thank you for sharing!
Oooh I like that you have credit to Cassie first and foremost, as it’s super shady what Mel Robbins did. Also love the tie in of sacrificing primary for secondary reinforcers and needing a values-aligned replacement behavior. Nice!